From the past

Helene

Helene Wasserbauer was my maternal great grandmother.
Born in 1889 she meet the emperor, survived two devastating wars, but first of all she was my "Urli".
I was deeply impressed by the stories she told me about her own childhood.

So what do I remember!?
A.lively, white haired old lady running around with us in the garden  teaching us songs and games. My mother being very formal and polite to her, saying Küss die Hand.
When Helene became older, their relationship seemed to relax and maybe closer than it was before.

As a child I imaged her to be made of cast iron.
She created an aura of respect around herself, was always impeccably dressed and coiffed. If she wore jewelery, it was real gold, diamonds and pearls.
Sometimes to the great delight of us children she shared a bit of.mischief with us when her daughter and granddaughter were not watching. When my mother told her that she did not want her great grandchildren to say Küss die Hand, she taught us to curtsey instead. So I practiced curtseys. Her brown eyes were lively and sparkling even when her body failed.
She was wise enough to leave this world at her own accord and her own plan. I guess God did not dare to have meddle with her.

Little Helene was born into a large family of eight children, six daughters and two sons. The father left the family, and Helenes mother struggled on her own to raise the children not a easy task in 19th century Vienna.
Helene was one of the older girls. All clothes they had were to be brushed and cleaned and hung up on a chair before going to bed. Obviously no child had more possessions than those fit on a chair. The girls were sent to the park, but before they were allowed to play they had to knit their stockings, they were marked and a certain length had to be knitted before they were allowed to be free. Helene still felt resentful after decades that the boys were allowed to roam freely instead.
Helen'es mother was a devout catholic,  strict and quick with punishment. Life was hard, money short, so after leaving the Bürgerschule Helene and her sisters were sent off to work.
Helene told me that as a child she saw the emperor Francis Joseph driving by in a horse carriage. All passers by bowed and curtseyed and waved.
Helenes youngest brother was designed to become a priest but died of consumption with 18 years. Helene and her sisters became totally estranged with their older brother, as the girls took care of their mother in her old age and the brother did not help them.
The sisters were always close but they shut out the brother from their lives entirely. So to this day there are some people called Wasserbauer who are our relatives but there is no contact....

I do not know what jobs Helene had but what I do know she worked as a shop assistant at a jewelery at the Graben.
The girls had set their mind to escape poverty, with good reason.
So when Helene had the chance to do so, she grabbed it and married a man several years her senior, a christened jew named Felix Malowan. What mattered was that he owned a mill and was well off. I can only imagine that Felix also got what he wanted  - a young pretty and  lively girl who was going to be a good wife.
I was too young to ask Helene about this time of her life.
Studying photos from this time, she looked formidable and content.
She was dressed fashionably, had a social life, took holidays, which according to the photos must have been fun, and enjoyed herself. She was an excellent cook and I am sure she liked to rule the household.
In 1914 she gave birth to ER only child, my grandmother Camilla Rudolfine. Helene was not the protective motherly type, and the relationship between Helene and Rudi, how she preferred to be called, was not the best.
Rudi was a spoilt little girl, and lonely, with a love for dogs.
She remembered many of the pretty dresses she used to wear as a child, the coach she was driven in and the workers respectfully greeting her. She adored her father, hated her aunt Camilla after whom she had been named and felt distant toward her mother 

But soon, Rudis world was going to change....

So what's going on after all those years

I have born and buried a child, and finally I feel free to write again.
Jonathan and Simon are two incredibly unique and cool boys and I have the great pleasure to watch them growing up.
Oh yes, one cat passed away and one was adopted.
The remaining two cats are quite old now....

I had three jobs  each worse than the other and am not really feeling confident to find another one. Being stuck in a country like Austria is sometimes literally taking your breath away but not in a good sense, and I hope that my boys will find their future elsewhere.

There is so much to write about and I have decided to write about my family, my memories  to keep and for my boys to read, for them to know where they come from.
A person is only really gone when no one remembers.
So I will start with memories.

Dedicated to my boys with love

Two new pairs of shoes, dirt and animals

Yes, our boys outgrew their first pair of shoes and I bought them new ones. Times goes by so quickly, I can hardly believe it. My boys are great fun, but getting a bit headstrong - I wonder what this means for the future? I try to show them to nod and say "yes" but all I get is a unisono shaking of heads and "nainainai". So whenever I tell them yes, I get a no reply, but they are laughing and shaking their heads vigorously, I can't refrain from laughing myself.
Simon is still not sleeping at night, he wakes up several times, otherwise my days would be perfect, even if I am tired out every evening.
Today they finally found out where we keep our shoe polish and brushes. I was just in time to keep them from opening the tins with shoe polish. Is shoe polish poisonous? Well, taking into considerationn the amount of dirt which the boys already consumed (one day I found Jonathan quietly sucking the tail of our cat) they should be quite resistant against most germs and poisons by now.
PS. the interesting thing is that Willy the cat had no objections against Jonathan sucking at his tail. The cats, especially Willy are so patient with the babies it is quite amazing. Would have thought they moved upstairs for a retreat but only the older cat sleeps in the attic in the afternoons, other times both cats join the family.
I cannot understand how anyone could suggest to get rid of pets when you have a baby. We never had a problem with any of the cats, and when I was pregnant I had a meeting with a social worker in her office. As she had cat photos hanging on the wall we talked of cats instead of babies and she also tolds me that cats usually do not make a fuss when there is a baby. Usually they get out of their way since a baby is noisy and smelly, which makes sense. And of course now, with 13 months, our babies are learning how to properly treat a pat, because when they act too roughly, the cat leaves (in a huff)

Don't fence me in

My boys are active - well, I secretly think that Simon might be hyperactive, but I was assured he isn't. He has endless energy and the most tired person in the evening is myself, feeling a hundred years old. They are on hands and knees, Simon so fast you almost have to run after him and see what he's up to. Whenever it is unusually quiet, they are both up to no good.

I don't want to shout "noooooo!" every 20 seconds, so we created our personal high level security baby prison. Well, we just made the house baby-safe.

Almost every kitchen cupboard is secured. The stairs are blocked. The fridges are locked. We put everything as high as possible out of their reach. Next step will be to put things out of the way altogether because they will soon be big enough to open doors and grab anything that's put on a table. Thank God my kitchen is custom-built and the cupboards bit higher than average so they can't reach what's put on top there. The oven has an electronic lock (hooray) The toilet door is locked from the outside because there is a never ending interest in the toilet brush - I think when Jonathan gets older I will ask him about what's so cool about a toilet brush. The bathroom door is closed because there's a funny beeping button on the washing machine which also attracts them like flies.

Our little cuties are clever as well - they already pushed an upturned pail next to the table so they could reach what was there. The dining table, by the way, is always cleared so they don't harm themselves if they pull the tablecloth. And of course all electric devices are well hidden & all wall sockets blocked.

We did not find a solution for the video, DVD etc ... the video is full with stuff they put in there (paper, small toys, CDs) I wonder how long this thing will last ..... we got a whole box of Disney videos from a friend I hope it will last until our boys are old enough to watch them.

New Year

We happily survived the twin's first birthday, Christmas and New Year celebrations - I didn't freak out, the babies were behaving wonderfully, I managed to buy presents, I even MADE a present for my sister....and Iam happy I had the time. I created a calender for 2010 for her using photos of my babies. A good time to remember all that happened in 2009 ...

Well, things started end of 2005 when after 8 years of marriage I still wasn't pregnant and no obvious reason for it so we decided to do something about it. Before we had talked about having children but somehow we did not take any action. I was frustrated and noticed I avoided happy families and everything that had to do with babies, pregnancy....it*s kind of difficult to describe the feeling, it was a mixture of resentment, envy and aggression I had to hide as best as I could.
My husband an I talked things over but but were a bit shy to take the first step for years, Each of us was afraid that the result would be bad, meaning no chance to get pregnant at all. I started thinking about adoption and foster children and we decided if we adopted a child it should be from an East European country, preferably Russia.

Finally, we managed to make an appointment at a fertility clinic and tests showed that from my side everything was allright - for my husband it was a shock that his sperm quality was really bad. I had not realized that it kind of shell-shocked him because he did not want to talk about it and he did not want to take a second spermiogram. He even told me once he was sure I would get pregnant if we had sex at certain times and not too often so he could "save" his sperms.
I pushed him for nearly two years to get this second spermiogram done, finally, I more or less forced him into it. Time was pressing hard, I was 39 already and I felt time was running out. I had doubts I could manage pregnancy well with over 40 and I was afraid of a not healthy baby due to my advanced age.

I started treatment in the beginning of 2008. The heavy doses of hormone made me tired but otherwise I didn't feel any different. I didn't put too high hopes in all these treatments, being a sceptic person. Too high expectations could have ended in a huge and maybe not manageable disappointment and I wanted to save myself from this experience. I said to myself, if it's God's intention to make me pregnant, He will. He never made the things I wanted very much easy for me I was prepared that I had to go a longer way than most others to get pregnant.
Well, I had to give myself hormone injections, which was freaky I thought at first but I soon got used to it. I was determined to do my best to make it work - but I had my doubts when I had to inject myself once with a really big fat needle. All my life I had been afraid of injections - and now this ....The second round of treatment was successful and I produced enough eggs for and IVF, like a dutiful chicken.
On April 22, 2008 I had my operation, on 27th 2 eggs were implanted. 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant and we were overwhelmed. We walked out of the clinic in a daze. I could not hold back my tears, I cried until we were sitting back in the car and my husband had made phone calls to his mother and in-laws.
I can't remember exactly when it was sure that we were going to have twins. The doctors had said that in most cases only 1 fetus survives, but in my base both "stuck" and stayed.
Very soon I got a tearing pain in my lower abdomen and then I started to feel really sick. I went on sick leave and was on early maternity leave from June 25th. I already had been in hospital at the beginning of June - I was so throwing up every 15 minutes, I could not even drink water. After 2 days I was so dehydrated I started feeling funny. We went to the hospital which ws near our apartment, an old building with pavillons in a park where you could thake walks. I had to stay there for one week, just for infusions and for eating again, Medication helped to keep food inside me but I started being constantly sick as soon as I was back home again.

I just noticed that I haven't been writing anything for 2 weeks. Time is passing by so quickly, one day is kind of flowing into the other - especially if nights are short. My baby boys are doing fine, climbing up the stairs at lightning speed and I after them. (with a little less speed acccording to my advanced age).
I wish I could train the cats to babysit. Maximum I get is the tiger cat sleeping in the babies' cots and my black lady cat mewing to them in answer when she is safely out of reach e.g. sitting on the radiator.
I never thought my life would change so completely and quite frankly, I never thought having babies is so much work. I have big problems keeping appointments. My conversation gets boring except for other moms. My clothes are always dirty (spat on, torn, peed on, sh.. on).
My hairstyle is non-existing. I carefully dyed my hair for 20 years, but stopped when I got pregnant. Even my mother asked me if this was my natural hair colour a few weeks ago. Yes, it is, mouse-brown with an increasing amount of white hair. So what???
The last clothes I bought were maternity gowns. I don't have time and peace for shopping, and the time I do spend shopping is buying nappies, baby food, baby toys, locks for the fridge, safety devices for plugs, doors, stairs ....
This sounds like complaining, but it isn't. Just letting off steam somehow. Grandmothers to help and babysit are not available (my mom is too old and mother in law lives too far away) and 2-3 hours babysitting per week is not enough to relax, but all I get.
My babies are adorable (yes, I am a proud mom) and worth every second of missed sleep and every white hair. Every single day I thank God for them and try hard to be a good mother. Somewhere I read, you don't have to be the perfect mother, you only have to be a good enough mother (or parent) for your children.....

About sleep

Babies are still asleep althoug ist's already 7.30... am dog-tired but can't sleep.

Becoming a mom with 40 has one great disadvantage - it takes you longer to recover from a sleepless night and with twins, you have sleepless nights more often than not. Sometimes I'm awake just waiting for one of them to start crying...........

When they were really small I had to adjust to a minimal amount of sleep which was really hard - and which resulted in bad temper throughout the day (ask my husband...;-(().

Now, after almost a year, it seems my body has finally accepted a lack of sleep, and of course, nights are much better than they used to be. I take a nap during the day whenever I can, but then there's no time for oither things like eating, coking, taking a bath or just sitting stupidly watching a soap on the telly (TV programme during the day is another topic worth writing about)

oops, somebody is stirring below. Should make breakfast for my boys. Crying has started alsmost instantly, so rush, mummy, rush